Tension. Have you not been in relationships with spouse, kids, staff, friends where you get along super well? You're friends. You aren't just doing ministry together or study together or work together. You're doing life together. And then somewhere in the relationship tension builds up. Some unresolved issue starts lurking in the dark. But here's the deal: tension is such a healthy thing if it is handled correctly. Conflict is like a growth stimulus. Relational steroids.
I honestly believe that truth is found in the tension of opposites. Job 11:6 says, "True wisdom has two sides." We are too content with one-dimensional truth. But true wisdom is typically found on the far side of tension.
Too often we run away from conflict, but over years of managing conflict in ministry, I've found that conflict will actually bring you closer together if you handle it right. Tension not only keeps our relationships from becoming superficial. Tension forces us to talk about things we should be talking about but don't want to talk about. Conflict has a way of taking us to a new level relationally and organizationally.
I think most problemswe have with people trace back to someone internalizing something they should have verbalized. And it results in high levels of pent up frustration and bad morale. Eventually it leads to relational suicide. Here is a great rule of thumb: Never internalize. Always Verbalize. Of course, only verbalize after you have time to pray, process and reflect so that anger is out of the way.
I have build a culture in my home and amidst my staff where we can show tough love and talk about tough topics, without intimidating or manipulating one another. We don't have to see eye to eye on everything, but we need to have one heart. So when we sense a tension, we must talk. Verbalize and not internalize.
I'm not suggesting you pick fights. But instead of shutting the conflict down we need to talk through it. We need more wrestling matches. The end result of that kind of talking through builds security, strength and depth into the relationship
What I'm trying to say is this: tension is good. Without tension you can't have stringed instruments or trampolines or teams.
By the way, always end those kinds of conversations validating people. I tell my team all the time: who you are is more important than what you do.
Just verbalizing :)
