How NOT to end up DISILLUSIONED in parenting kids.

1. Don’t try to raise sinless children.

We are all born sinners, saved by grace. So our children are sinners, and this should be no surprise. We know why Junior lies. He is, in his heart, a liar before he knows a word to speak. We know why Sonny is violent, disobedient and lazy, or at least how this sin nature works. We have experienced it; so don’t be surprise when you find sin in your children’s lives. They are just like us!

And Junior's sin nature won’t be instantly eradicated through Christian books, Christian videos, Christian friends, Christian toys, scripture memory and obsessive Christian parenting. Junior is a sinner. Tell him so, so he can understand himself, and better understand why you are more interested in his transformation to Christ-likeness than in his obedience to you. Make him responsible for his sins by pointing him to the Cross more than pointing him to your own frustrations with him. Make the Cross of Jesus Christ the centre of you dealings with him, rather than your emotions being the centre of every battle against his wrong doings.

2. Don’t use church and the Bible as punishment.

You will lose your children in their faith journey when you tell force them to memorize scripture, for instance. Force them to write pages and pages of Bible verses. Or punish them by keeping them from going to church or youth activities.

Have you met any kid who really blossom under this kind of miserable coercion? Now I am not saying we shouldn't require our kids to memorize scripture and read the Bible, but that shouldn’t be as a punishment!

Punish them some other way. Make them clean their room! Or better yet, remove some privileges. And pray with them. Keep God always in the equation of every form of discipline.

3. Don’t say "God told us to" as your reason for parental decisions.

Yes, God could have spoken to you. But your kids need you to process issues with them so that God can also speak to them about those same things. So if you short-circuit the process of reasons, discussions and communications with an authoritative “God told us” liner, you are not growing your kids spiritually. Instead, you will be encouraging rebellion.

It is always harder to process issues with teenagers. So start early, in the pre-teen years so that they understand that this is the way we deal with issues in our home. We talk through things. We pray through issues. We come into agreement and then we respect and honour the boundaries we have set and where we transgress, we admit wrong and give room for grace and growth.

Do this and your kids will grow up loving God and loving you.

4. Don’t fear of what is normal.

We, Christians, have kids just as normal as the kids from non-Christian homes. I mean it's normal for our kids to want to sleep in on a Sunday morning instead of excited about going to church. It's normal to want to watch cartoons instead of read Leviticus. It's normal to prefer watching a soccer match to an having family altar. And here is some news: it's normal for girls to like boys and its normal for boys to like girls. It's normal to wonder why they aren't allowed to listen to or watch something. It's normal for them to ask questions. It's normal to want to be yourself and not just what your parents think you should be.

If you drive normal out of your kids, you may feel you've done the Lord's work, but you're wrong. You are not helping them grow in their faith journey. You are not allowing them to stumble and find their way to Christ. You are forcing them into Christ-likeness and neither they nor God would appreciate that.

By the way, it is not normal for a fifteen year old child to be a mature Christian, and it doesn't matter if she is a youth leader. It is not normal for a teenager to have the wisdom, maturity and experience of an adult, and we shouldn't be so foolish as to encourage our kids to act mature for the approval of a church audience. Our young people will usually have more curves in the road of life than we have map to chart, and that's okay. God will bring them to Himself, His way. When young people are herded by their parents down the broad path called Christian approval, they may never find the narrow road called Christ.

5. Don’t ignore culture, and isolate your children from it.

I am not suggesting you allow Junior the freedom to view pornography on the internet or introduce him to drugs yourself. I am saying parents who attempt to build a bunker and hide their children from culture make two mistakes: First, you probably make secular culture more appealing than it really is, to them and second, you won’t be teaching them to fight the battles in our culture, themselves.

I am certain that I have accomplished more by discussing the inanities of MTV with my kids than by forbidding it. My kids have learned to think biblically as I raised issues that surface through watching TV and movies. I think they will be the better for it. We see movies together and talk about them. My son introduced all of us to Heroes, and it brought up lots of discussions. My daughter loves watching Oprah and Ellen Degeneres and that has resulted in many discussions on biblical values and principles as we sought to square what was said in those shows with the Bible.

Locking a child in the Christian world with little exposure to the prevalent culture has the remarkable effect of turning the world's empty pleasures into a paradise of desire for them. It is better to hold your children by the hand and together face the culture before them than hide then from it.

Let me close with this thought. Our parenting is only part of what God will use (although it is the biggest part) in the life of a young person to bring them to Himself. He will also use poor choices, bad friends, failures and hard knocks. We would like to make sure God doesn't have to use those tools, but then they worked pretty good on most of us, didn't they? Let's follow the calling God gave parents so long ago, a calling that is as true now as in the past:

Deuteronomy 6:6-9

6 And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart.
7 You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.
8 You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes.
9 You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.

Gut-Level Contemplation For Parents

This is Father’s Day week so here are some thoughts for parents of teenagers.

I’ve worked around teenagers for all the nine years that I was a school teacher. The 19 years I have been a pastor, I have been involved with parents more than ever.

I have incredible respect for those who parent teenagers, no matter who they are. It’s a brutal job that can crush you into tiny pieces and also lift you up to lofty places of joy.

In my work as a pastor, I have seen just too much. I’ve been called to the home of a family who learned that their teenage daughter was on the verge of death from poisoning.

I’ve sat in the living room with parents shocked to discover that their daughter was pregnant.

I have seen teenagers so given to God move so far from Him once they hit adulthood.

I’ve watched faithful pastors and wives deal with wayward children who practically destroyed their faith, finances and families.

I raised two kids whom I love and am endlessly proud of, but there were and are places along the way that I felt helpless and frightened.

I’ve spent hours helping parents and teens work through problems that families with teenagers inevitably face.

So on this Father’s Day Week, I want to ask some gut-level questions:

1. Why do parents give their teens so much freedom, money, privacy, free time, video games and electronic devices?

My answer to that question is that we parents view our children as extensions of our own consumer egos. We need for our kids to have everything because when we were growing up we did not have those things.

But too much entitlement is killing our kids. It destroys their soul. Parents: learn to say No and keep saying No for as long as you need to. Live below your means and teach your children the value of money early. And teach them accountability. Instil in them responsibility.

2. Do your teenagers clearly see the deepest values in your life, and understand how those values will affect their life? Or do your teenagers see your values as movable and of little real influence in the kind of person you are?

I can tell you that when a teenager who is being told “don’t do X” or “do Y” discovers that you, as a parent, are doing some version of X or really don’t believe in the importance of Y, you’ve got a problem.

Making decisions based around the importance of education when the values of education are obviously not important to you does not escape a teenager.

Your deepest values shouldn’t have to be shouted. Anyone who has lived with you for a month should know what your values are. And they probably do…no matter what you say.

Get this right: A teenager in rebellion against good parenting and the right values is one thing. It happens all the time. But a teenager who concludes that values in life don’t matter because they’ve seen you live without truly anchored values that is shaping your everyday life is simply doing what you taught them to do.

3. Have you assessed the effects of your own transition decisions on your child, or have you bought into the lie that kids are just resilient through anything?

Divorces. Moving house. Changing schools. Financial changes. Church changes. These transitions all have a cumulative effect on your child. Loss, change of church, school, home, adjustment, starting over. These things aren’t easy. They may be unavoidable, but they are deeply affecting to a child and the negative effects will show in the latter years.

Therefore, keep transitions to a minimum and when you need to make those transitions, prepare well with prayer and open dialogue with your kids.

4. Are you internet-savvy to face the challenges in raising a teenager?

For adults like us who never grew up with the computer, one of the hardest things to do is seeing the implications of technology and its impact on today’s teens.

Studies say that today’s teenager live 80% of their life in the virtual world. Most teens facebook, blog, twitter, and chat online via msn, and are enchanted into virtual games. Therefore, an awareness of your teenager’s world is always going to be an uphill project if you are not internet savvy. If you are naive about the wired world and how deeply your kids live in it, then don’t complain when you discover that you and your teen cannot communicate because the wavelengths are different.

You don’t understand the net, you won’t understand your teen.

5. What are you doing/being that creates any desire in your children to be a responsible, Christian adult? Particularly, a disciple of Jesus seeking the Kingdom of God and His righteousness above all else?

If you believe chidren's church and youth ministers are going to create the desire to be a disciple of Jesus in your kids, think again. I have seen too many children who had faithfully attended children’s church and youth ministry walk out of God in their adult years.

You and I need to start living a life that can’t be explained except for the fact that Jesus is our Lord. Kids are incredibly cynical about all the flash in the pan glitz of living the Christian life. They want to see authentic Christianity in their parents. They want to see that their parents are serious about their faith; that they truly love Jesus enough to suffer for Him and to serve Him no matter what. Its the hard-core faith of the parents that inspire teens to love Jesus.

6. Are you ready to let God be God and let go of your kids?

God’s path for some kids may be completely different from what you imagine for them. Do your best to guide and direct and mentor your kids, but after that let God take over.

Be a parent, but don’t be a martyr. Your kids won’t be saved by you punishing yourself. You don’t have to suffer for the sins of your kids. However, don’t be indifferent to their mistakes and wrongs; so still come to their aid where needed. But when all is done take God’s grace for them and for yourself and move on.

Your teenager may have to take God’s hard and narrow road and it may not end up anywhere close to your dreams for them. Let God and your child have that freedom….because you don’t control them and you don't control God anyway.

Have your cry and learn to leave them in God’s hands. After all, you may father them only for so many years but God is committed to father them to their graves.

My Children's Fathers Day Blessings!

My two children wrote me these notes on Facebook.
Words like these make the whole fathering journey so worthwhile.
Thanks so much Thea and Reuben for these words.
God is the ultimate Father and He will continue to father us all the days of our lives.

I love my dad

I love my dad because he laughs with me
I love my dad because he reads books and talks with me
I love my dad because he inspires my mind constantly with new ideas
I love my dad because he challenges me
I love my dad because he believes in me
I love my dad because he always sees the best in me when I'm at my worst
I love my dad because he always pushes me to aspire to greater heights even when I don't see the good in myself
I love my dad because he loves me in spite of pain
I love my dad because of the many sleepless nights he has spent staying up for me
because of the many evenings he's spent walking and praying for me
because of the many late night calls he has entertained
because of the many moments in my room or in the car where he has sat down and provided a listening ear
because of the many nights when he has put work aside to lend me his counsel
because of the many times he has trusted me, respected me, loved me,
even when i never deserved it
because he answers my calls in the middle of meetings and even when he's halfway across the world just to show me that family is more important than anything else
because of the many years of holding my hand through every turn in life
and yet finding the courage to let me go when i needed to be let go
for always making me responsible for all my decisions
and for teaching me what it means to be an adult in the process
but most importantly,
for imparting to me the gift of loving God
and for teaching what it means to love wholly, sacrificially and unconditionally

I love you pa, Happy Father's Day.

THEA SONYA RAMAN


Pa,

You are truly an awesome dad to me, in every single way.

Looking back on the 18 and a half years of parenting me, I'm eternally grateful to have a father like you.

To me, you're my role model.
You're my inspiration (sounds like a song huh..) You're someone I really look up to.

Not many son's look up to their dads.
But I'm really proud to be your son. I really mean it.

You indeed are a man rich with so many ways that make life so meaningful.
You model for me, what it means to be a man, how a guy should act and behave and how a man should be in his perspective to life. And for that, I am so grateful.

Although most of the time, I may seem quiet and stuff, but unknowingly (to myself even),I know i am picking up the character traits that you posses..

As a Father, I know you intentionally rub off deep values and principles for me to learn.

In recent times, I have learnt a lot from you. I have grown so much in attitude & character.

And its all because of your effort in fathering me, together with God's grace and mercy, that has made me who I am today.

I would like to thank you, for all the times, you allowed me to speak up my views and also voice my opinions.

And also, giving me a space and freedom to share my thoughts on things without me being mocked at or scolded or whatsoever.

I thank you too, for the millions of sacrifices you have made for me and the family.

By nature, I am a very sensitive to people's need. And I know and feel for you when you make those sacrifices and I deeply appreciate it when you make them.

As my father, you have taught me countless of lessons. Lessons that would make my life so much more meaningful.

You indeed have left a legacy by being a family man.

I also appreciate you, specifically in guiding me in managing relationships.
I feel so supported in this area, and you have indeed taught me many many things and helped me see things that I could not see by myself.


I know I have said this before and I will say it again, "Pa, you're my role model for what it means to be a man of God and in what it means to be a Father.

I would definitely want to be a man like you or even better.

I love you a whole lot!

Happy Fathers day!

Your one and only son,

Reuben Shaun Raman
21/06/09

Loving God With The Mind

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and soul and mind and strength.”
Matthew 22:37

Mathematically speaking, the Great Commandment is 25% intellectual. The mind is one of four dimensions of love; the other three being heart, soul and strength.

A little knowledge of neurology goes a long way in explaining what it means to love God with “all your mind.”

In the 1970s, Nobel-prize winner Roger Sperry pioneered split-brain search. His work with epileptic paitents revealed that the right and left hemispheres of the brain serve very different cognitive functions. The left-brain is linear and logical. It is responsible for everything from mathematics to linguistics. Without it, life would be chaotic. The left-brain is the rational side of us. The right-brain is intuitive and creative. It is responsible for everything from humour to poetry. Without it, life would be robotic. The right-brain is the emotional side of us.

In between the right and left hemispheres is a cluster of neurons called the corpus callosum. It serves as our “dual-processor”. It allows us to access both sides of the brain. For what it’s worth, women have about 40% more corpus callosum than men which may be the neurological explanation for “a woman’s intuition”. But don’t feel bad guys, you have 20% more bone density!

Loving God with “all your mind” means loving Him with your right and left brain. It includes the rational and emotional parts. It includes the logical and creative parts.

Now allow me to challenge us to be a little more "intellectual"?

Webster defines “intellectual” as “given to study, reflection, and speculation.” Intellectuals aren’t necessarily “intelligent”, but they love to learn. I might consider myself an intellctual by Webster's definition because I simply love to learn. I believe it is the learning that will keep me young and my goal as I grow older is to die young at a ripe old age. To do that I must keep learning new things all the time. Oliver Wendell Holmes said, “A mind stretched by a new idea never returns to its original shape.” Intellectual types need to have their minds stretched. It keeps them growing. It keeps their minds from stagnating and that is how we love God with our minds - we use the mind He has given us intelectually, that is, given to study, reflection and speculation.

II Timothy 2:15 says, “Study to show yourselves approved.” Study is a discipleship issue. The word “disciple” comes from the Greek word mathetes which means “learner.” By definition, a disciple is someone who never stops learning! And according to neurologists, the human mind has the capacity to learn something new every second of every minute of every hour of every day for the next 300 million years! I think it’s safe to say that all of us have some space left on our hard drives. Just use it!