How Leaders Should Deal With Disappointment

There are three stages in dealing with disappointment.

Stage One: Reflection

Dealing with disappointment in a systematic way begins with unfiltered reflection. You’ve got to stare down your disappointment before you can deal with it in a productive way.

Ideally, this process would begin with prayer. And your prayer would be laced with gratitude, along with acceptance of God’s perfect and holy will.

In reality, most of us need a lot of help getting to that point.

I generally start my process of reflection by talking it out with a few people I trust. I have to be selective about who I’m reflective with, because when the wound of disappointment is fresh, I may say some things that I’ll want stricken from the record in retrospect. But it’s very important that I can tell a few close people how I really feel in a pretty raw way. They can affirm the stuff that’s valid, and talk me down off the ledge about the stuff that’s not.

You may be more introspective. Your process may begin with you and a note pad, emptying your disappointments like buckets so you can have the capacity to bring them to others when the time is right.

Above all, don’t neglect to take it to the Lord in prayer. When you do, respectfully state your disappointment to Him. He already knows about it - much more comprehensively than you do. And He can handle it. Besides, He’s the one in the best position to do something about it.

Face your disappointment. Don’t try to sneak up on it from behind. That’s a coward’s way to fight. Half the time, when you stand toe to toe with your disappointments you’ll discover that they’re not nearly as big as you made them out to be. The other half of the time, at least now you know what you’re up against.

Stage Two: Questions

You’ve admitted your disappointment. You’ve laid out your frustrations before God, inviting the supernatural involvement of His Spirit. Now you’ve got to follow up your reflections with questions.

Personally, I start listing every question associated with my disappointment that comes to my mind, indiscriminately, as quickly as I can scribble them down. It’s rapid and it’s random. But I can’t get the right answers until I identify the right questions.

Some questions may have immediate answers. Others may take time to get to the bottom of. And some may have no answer at all…for now.

Questions are the vehicle to transport your disappointment out of the realm of regret…into the realm of potential and progress.

Stage Three: Lessons and Actions

Thorough reflection and probing questions can actually do more harm than good if you don’t follow them through to the final phase: learning lessons and planning actions.

Disappointments are converted from liabilities to assets when wise leaders acknowledge them, analyze them, and then pose the million dollar question: What did we learn from this?

If you keep good records of your answers to this question, you can write a book ten years into your ministry and everyone will think you’re a genius. You’re not. You’re just a good steward of your own stupid mistakes.

Follow that question up with this one: What are we going to do about it?

This part of the process has to be performed collectively. It’s useless for the leader to form these conclusions on his own without transferring the results to the team he leads.

Learning a lesson from every disappointment and planning actions to avoid the same disappointment in the future ensures that the price you pay is not in vain. It’s just tuition.

Hentak Kaki!

Are you living with a high sense of momentum or have you fallen into maintenance mode in your leadership?

Years ago, when I was teaching school, the younger of us would use a term to describe the more senior teachers – hentak kaki. Marching on the spot. Movement without motion. These were seasoned teachers who were just going through the routines of the job without heart or passion or any conviction. They had lost energy, passion or vision. I vowed to myself I will never allow myself to come to that place. And for a leader, maintenance mode is a dangerous thing.

When a leader hits maintenance mode he suffers from boredom, feels unchallenged, let’s opportunities pass him by, settles for good enough, has no more dreams of the future, no longer carries a passionate energy and worst of all he stops looking for God-sized things to happen. He stops praying big prayers. He does not desire for his faith to be stretched.

If you stay there too long it has a negative impact on your ministry or organization. Here are five common dangers when a leader gets stuck in maintenance mode

• It breeds a spirit of complacency among other team members be it staff, core-team members, cell members
• It causes the organization to miss prime opportunities. God may be leading you to walk on water, grow your faith but you are unchallenged. You prefer to stay comfortable
• It causes others to settle for mediocrity
• It reduces fresh movements from the hand of God
• It brings growth to a halt

Now what causes the deadly maintenance mode?

Here are a few questions to help assess what cause us to drift into maintenance mode and some suggestions for finding our way out.

1. Is it a spiritual issue? You may be stuck because you’re simply not hearing anything new from God. He led you to the place you are currently serving and when you first arrived you had vision, momentum and inspiration. What do you need to do to get a fresh word from God again?
2. Is it a physical issue? If you’re tired, stressed and unable to sleep then your maintenance mode problem may be because you have not enough rest, recreation and reflection. It’s difficult to build organizational momentum when you don’t have the physical energy to move things forward.
3. Is it a mental issue? We can get lazy mentally when we are no longer on the cutting edge, not reading, watching others, or learning. Mental laziness can lead to a lack of creativity and innovation. Practice exposing your mind to something stimulating every week to keep your thinking sharp. Read, write, reflect, find a group with whom to bounce ideas.
4. Is it an emotional issue? Sometimes as leaders we run so hard and fast that we get emotionally drained and it’s all we can do to maintain our baseline responsibilities. Practice the spiritual disciplines. Read the Word. Reflect. Let God speak to the soul. Pray unhurriedly. This time of quiet reflection will keep you emotionally filled and fuel your creative energies.
5. Is it a relational issue? There are times we allow others to drag us into maintenance mode. Make sure you have people around you that challenge you, stretch your faith and thinking and dream about future possibilities with you. And on the flip side make sure you’re not spending too much time with people that drain you.

A "Yes-Man"?

Recently I had to think again about this whole issue of the kind of people a leader surrounds himself with. I heard an allegation recently that I surround myself with only 'yes man'. If that was true then I am really an insecure leader. And I will never be developing people to reach their highest potentials. I will also be sacrificing God's agenda for the church, for my own selfish intents. This is serious.

I thought deeper and then I realized that those who made that allegation (and are no more around) probably confused agreement for allignment and subjugation for submission. If a leader were to expect 100% agreement from those under him, then that is wrong, for we will not be able to agree with everything. But yet a leader must expect allignment to the vision, goals and core values of the organization or ministry he leads. Similarly, a leader cannot force anyone to do as he says and he must not write people off when they cannot do what he says. That's subjugation, not submission. Submission comes with ownership and people must be journeyed into ownership.

I’ve never served under a leader that I agreed 100% with everything he or she said or did. My guess is your experience has been the same. But agreement is not the basis of loyalty. Loyalty is rooted in relationship and respect regardless of differing opinions, approaches or philosophies. No good leader will compromise with the need for loyalty, allignment and submission. And all three virtues does not make us 'yes-man'; instead they make us Christ-like.

How do loyalty, allignment and submission play out in a the dynamics of an organization? These are the things I look for in those who work with me:

(1) When a leader disagrees with a decision or the direction of the organization, he or she speaks only with those who have the authority to represent that concern.

(2) The leader demonstrates a positive attitude even in the face of personal doubt. He may disgree but he doesn't disengage.

(3) The leader avoids using negative body language to communicate frustration or dissatisfaction with the leadership.

(4) The leader seeks to clarify issues upfront because he values the relationship with the leadership and he values allignment to the organization.

I am so grateful I am surrounded with people who are not afraid to share differing opinions and disgree without compromising with the attitudes of submission, allignment and loyalty. They are secure people themselves and that helps to keep the runway the Lord set for us free from clutter.

Leadership Is Influence

There are no shortcuts to having an influence. You have to earn it.

No one owes you to come under your influence, not even your family.

Sometimes someone who is trusted can help you get a moment to influence others, but you still have to earn it yourself to keep it.

If you do what you’re called to do and you are faithful to stick with it over time, there’s a good chance you’ll have influence.

Relationships are the foundation of for influence. If you can’t build relationships, you can’t have any influence.

The person who yells the loudest doesn’t necessarily influence others.

If you never stop and listen, you probably won’t get be able to influence either.

If it’s just about you, you don’t have an influence.

You’ll lose your influence if you don’t continue to use it for positive change. You have to move people to a better place.

You’re more likely to leverage your influence if you are authentic and transparent that engage both the head and the heart.

You’re more likely to keep your influence if you ask questions.

If people can’t have access to you and your daily life, your influence is probably shrinking whether you know it or not.

Influence are established over time and lost in an instant.

Lots of people want to be an influence but very few are gifted to be that influence and even fewer are humble enough to keep it.

The Determining Factor: Leadership

"Everything rises and falls on leadership."
Lee Robertson

I spent much of January re-thinking and reflecting on the grave need for leadership everywhere - in the marketplace; in the church; the small group; in the family; in marriage. I had a few challenges and continue to have these challenges that demand the exercise of proper biblical leadership this past month. Teaching two sessions on leadership to over new 25 interns in the church cause me to further sharpen my thinking on the subject.

I am going to simply list some of these thoughts down so that I can come back to it in the course of time for further reflection and refinement.

What is more important than leadership recruitment is leadership development. Most leaders are under-developed and many seasoned leaders do not even see the need for continual development. But here are some reasons why anyone who is in leadership must keep developing his/her leadership skills:

1. Leadership is the determining factor. The single greatest hindrance to ministry growth is the lack of true leadership.

2. Leadrship ability determines the size of a person's ministry.

3. Leadership ability determines the quality of people in a person's ministry.

4. Leadership ability determines the number of quality leaders in a person's ministry.

5. Leadership ability determines the climate of a person's ministry.

6. Leadership ability determines the long term impact of one's ministry.

7. Leadership ability (and his faith in God's ability) allows a person's ministry to multiply.

8. Leadership ability enhances a person's ability to handle changing and challenging times.

God is looking for leaders. His desire is to find them and get fuly behind them, as He told King Asa:

For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth
to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him.
2 Chronicles 16:9

Here is what God told Ezekiel:

I looked for a man among them who would build up the wall and stand before me in the gap on behalf of the land so that I would not have to destroy it, but I found none.
Ezek 22:30

That is a sad verse. Because of the lack of leadership, a nation was destroyed. But it is also one of the most encouraging statements ever made. If there had been a leader, a nation would survive; a family would thrive; a people will triumph! One leader can make a big difference.

Horizontal or Vertical?

“Some preach Christ from envy and rivalry, but others from good will. . . . What then? Only that in every way, whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is proclaimed, and in that I rejoice.”

Phillipians 1:15, 18

A church can be controlled by a horizontal dynamic of winners-and-losers, the people focused on each other, disappointed with each other, grumbling about each other, offended with one another — self-righteousness bumping up against self-righteousness, hurting and getting hurt. And simply going in circles, counting for nothing in the Kingdom of God.

Or a church can be controlled by a vertical dynamic of response to Christ, the people looking upward, amazed at Him and his grace — broken but grateful sinners coming together because all they need to be happy is Christ himself. And then pointing one another to Christ Himself and encouraging one another towards more and more Christlikeness!

I have heard of churches that are dysfunctional. They have many problems - leadership problems, financial problems, resource shortage, human failures. But if Christ is being preached in such a church, even with impure motives, that should be enough to make us happy. It is the reason why we go to get out of your church. We go to be pointed to Christ and to become more like Christ so that in Christ our dysfunctionalities are healed and He is magnified.

And if you require more, who gave you the right to overrule the Lord Jesus Christ as your only treasure and satisfaction and sufficiency?