There are three stages in dealing with disappointment.
Stage One: Reflection
Dealing with disappointment in a systematic way begins with unfiltered reflection. You’ve got to stare down your disappointment before you can deal with it in a productive way.
Ideally, this process would begin with prayer. And your prayer would be laced with gratitude, along with acceptance of God’s perfect and holy will.
In reality, most of us need a lot of help getting to that point.
I generally start my process of reflection by talking it out with a few people I trust. I have to be selective about who I’m reflective with, because when the wound of disappointment is fresh, I may say some things that I’ll want stricken from the record in retrospect. But it’s very important that I can tell a few close people how I really feel in a pretty raw way. They can affirm the stuff that’s valid, and talk me down off the ledge about the stuff that’s not.
You may be more introspective. Your process may begin with you and a note pad, emptying your disappointments like buckets so you can have the capacity to bring them to others when the time is right.
Above all, don’t neglect to take it to the Lord in prayer. When you do, respectfully state your disappointment to Him. He already knows about it - much more comprehensively than you do. And He can handle it. Besides, He’s the one in the best position to do something about it.
Face your disappointment. Don’t try to sneak up on it from behind. That’s a coward’s way to fight. Half the time, when you stand toe to toe with your disappointments you’ll discover that they’re not nearly as big as you made them out to be. The other half of the time, at least now you know what you’re up against.
You’ve admitted your disappointment. You’ve laid out your frustrations before God, inviting the supernatural involvement of His Spirit. Now you’ve got to follow up your reflections with questions.
Personally, I start listing every question associated with my disappointment that comes to my mind, indiscriminately, as quickly as I can scribble them down. It’s rapid and it’s random. But I can’t get the right answers until I identify the right questions.
Some questions may have immediate answers. Others may take time to get to the bottom of. And some may have no answer at all…for now.
Questions are the vehicle to transport your disappointment out of the realm of regret…into the realm of potential and progress.
Stage Three: Lessons and Actions
Thorough reflection and probing questions can actually do more harm than good if you don’t follow them through to the final phase: learning lessons and planning actions.
Disappointments are converted from liabilities to assets when wise leaders acknowledge them, analyze them, and then pose the million dollar question: What did we learn from this?
If you keep good records of your answers to this question, you can write a book ten years into your ministry and everyone will think you’re a genius. You’re not. You’re just a good steward of your own stupid mistakes.
Follow that question up with this one: What are we going to do about it?
This part of the process has to be performed collectively. It’s useless for the leader to form these conclusions on his own without transferring the results to the team he leads.
Learning a lesson from every disappointment and planning actions to avoid the same disappointment in the future ensures that the price you pay is not in vain. It’s just tuition.
