I recently finished reading Susan Scott’s book, Fierce Conversations In the book she covers three broad ideas and seven principles for "fierce" conversations. Here are my notes.
Idea One
Conversations with people (she said customers, but I’m expanding it) are either bolstering relationships, reducing relationships, or keeping relationships at status quo. And always, one conversation at a time. She notes her perspective that leadership is a "one conversation at a time" act.
Idea Two
The conversations we have aren’t really about our relationship. Those conversations are the relationship. They’re the defining component of relationships. She writes that the most valuable currency an organization has are relationships–emotional capital. She also notes that "fierce" conversations are both intelligent and impassioned. Nearly everyone has intelligent conversations at work–but few are really impassioned. We go and do our jobs, but try not to get any on us. If we’re having a difficult time gathering up enough energy to become impassioned about our work, then perhaps it’s time to re-evaluate why we’re working there.
Idea Three
All conversations are with myself and sometimes they include other people. In a room full of people, all of them seeing and hearing the same content, you’ll get a roomful of interpretations about what happened.
Now on to the seven principles….
Principle One
Muster the courage to interrogate your personal reality. Ask the question “What am I pretending not to know.”
Principle Two
Come out from behind yourself into the conversation, and make it real. This is talking about the masks all of us wear. We put on "masks" for the boss, for our spouse, for our kids, etc. The masks are just those ways of behaving and interacting that seek to satisfy what we think the other person wants to see. If we do this long enough, we’ll wake up one day and not recognize the person staring back at us in the mirror.
Principle Three
Be here. Be prepared to be nowhere else but here. This is talking about being present to whomever/whatever is in front of you right now.
Principle Four
Tackle your toughest challenge today.
Principle Five
Take responsibility for your emotional wake. Consider what you leave behind. Is it afterglow or aftermath? If you console yourself by saying that if you’re too strong for someone, it’s their problem, then you might be leaving more of an aftermath than is advisable. When things don’t go as you planned, when relationships blow up regularly, consider the common denominator: you. Other people may be responsible for their feelings, but we’re all responsible for the context we set for others.
Principle Six
Let silence do the heavy lifting. Susan says that insights are found between the words. Most people are very uncomfortable with silence. It’s not easy to pay attention to the still, small voice. But solitude and reflection really pay. Which takes us to…
Principle Seven
Don’t just trust your instincts–obey them. Listen to the still, small voice that’s telling you what’s right. To us who know the Lord as the One who is an ever present help, that still, small voice we recognize as the voice of the Lord is worth our obedience.
